A Quest for Silence

August 29, 2004

Personal Narrations

Joel Akin

Calgary, Alberta

Ecclesiastes 3:7 ... a time to keep silence, and a time to speak

On the 27th of August, just a few days ago, I acknowledged the anniversary of the serious health problems which lead to the loss of my voice. Though it is not the first time I have had voice problems having been reduced to a whispery croak in 1992-94 and then struggled with Spasmodic Dysphonia ever since, the past year has been different. In this case the voice problems worsened until I could not even speak on the phone due to intense pain at the back of the head.

 Lacking a voice and being able to whisper only by being willing to pay that price has meant that I have had to be careful in what I say. In addition I have had to pay closer attention to those around me and often it surprises me in the words that people speak. For much of our conversations are like that fig tree that Jesus cursed for it is without fruit. We fill our lives with meaningless chatter, arguments, conversations which mean little.

 One of the things I had to give up is the telephone. Before my voice loss I would be on the phone for up to ten hours a week. Sure I spoke about spiritual things and spiritual issues. It was one of my favorite subjects. But the end result is not that God was glorified but that I was lifting up my ideas and concepts on what is right. By God allowing my voice to be removed it is then that He was able to speak to me.

 You see, one of the things I loved to do is tell God all my problems and give him all my requests. Its not that I was a great prayer warrior. Its just that I didn't think there was more to God then what I had seen happening in the church around me and in the world. God seemed almost fickle in his blessings and miracles. There didn't seem to be any order, timing or reason for it. Like the proverbial stirring of the waters by the angel you had to be in the right time and the right place to receive your healing.

 Yet it is in this forced silence that I have had to learn to listen. Do you know what it means to really hear? To really give heed to the voice of the Lord and the needs of the people around you? When I think of the five fold ministry the one thing they have in common in speaking. Yet it is through their ministry that so many speak that so few have learned to really listen. I know of which I speak. When I was in college I worked in a Christian radio station. Moving to Canada I continued working in radio. People told me how much they enjoyed hearing my voice and I grew to believe that it was the sound quality alone that made a difference.

1Co 13:1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

 My voice had become my ministry. Sure I had a relationship with God but I also had my foot in the world. And pride was becoming a problem for me.

 In the silence I am made to listen. How can one hear the voice of God in their own speaking? How can I claim God speaks through me when I can't even hear His voice? By what method do I reach people unless they sense that God speaks through me?

 What is so ironic is that over the last month I have had so many start coming to me to hear the words of the Lord. You have to understand that all I have to offer them is two things. A poor whisper and the passion I have for the Lord. I cannot say why things have started to change in my life in such a dramatic fashion. Mom has noticed it also in her walk with the Lord for many are calling her asking for her to pray. In the midst of her suffering she prays and God hears her prayer and people are touched.

 God has clarified to me that he is going to restore my voice. He has given dreams to several family members and to me stating this and He has told me Himself that my voice will be restored. Yet now I know that it is not my voice, nor the quality of that voice which speaks loudest to people. It is the work of the Holy Spirit speaking through me that awakens the hearts and minds of others. And in that is something that we all need to hear with clarity.