The biggest Loss or the greatest Gain?

February 4, 2004

Personal Narrations

Joel Akin

Calgary, Alberta

Over the last 5 months I've lost everything that a Christian is supposed to have to grow in their relationship with God.

1. The loss of my Voice lead to loss of Christian fellowship, talking with people, and friends not able to share nor even visit.

2. My concentration level dropped so when I would read too much I could only continue 5-10 minutes a day and the Bible was included in that. Trying to read it lead to tremendous pain and suffering.

3. Computer-I could write a few letters in the morning which was a huge blessing as I could share what God was teaching me. But only in the mornings.

4. Hearing or listening also caused me pain. I could listen to taped sermons only for a couple minutes a day.

5. Church activities dropped to zero

6. Going 'out' for lunch, store, drive all too zero. I lay in bed, in the dark, for 23 hours a day with only God sharing my suffering.

What God allowed is for everything supposedly essential for the Christian walk to be taken away. He did not leave anything, absolutely no outside support except for parents and family who were dealing with their own suffering. So their support was minimal though it was there. He also allowed me contact with a few people via E-mail

Now I was not a vegetable but I'm sure during the first few weeks my parents may have wondered if I would live or die.

I could not speak, nor show expression, nor even whisper. I was filled with thoughts and pain but I could not express them. Even writing notes on paper was painful.

So why did God allow it? I think to teach me there is one thing, one important thing left to me. My thoughts and the ability to talk with God. The one thing I said I could never do, was never good at, and did not enjoy.

Prayer!

Now here is why I did not see the benefit of prayer and if I say this it sounds awfully judgmental. But I did not SEE any benefits of prayer. Maybe 1 out of every 100 prayers seemed to have any effect and the effect was almost always temporary when it came. So why pray?

Just lead me God and let my own hands do the work. That was the philosophy I had been raised under and is the philosophy now taught in our churches. It had become a religion and belief so sacred departing from it got you labeled troublemaker. So why would God take away that ability to work?

I know the answer now but during those first months I did not. With nothing to do but lie there in the dark I had to do something to deal with my pain. Watching TV just made it worse. So I talked to God and I started to hear Him back. At first I just kind of played along not really sure if it was God. But what He told me in the darkness He revealed in dreams and in the light of day. Nothing huge. Nothing life changing. Just bits and pieces on a consistent basis.

But it wasn't until He began to explain theology that had stumped the church for generations, and it made sense, that I realized I was really talking with God. And THAT is what changed things and made me want to spend as much time as possible with Him.