Guilt Complex

November 5, 2004

Personal Narrations

Joel Akin

Calgary, Alberta

John 11:4 When Jesus heard [that], he said, This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby.

The Dream-My family and I were in a summer cottage at the top of a curve in the road. We were getting ready to move but one of the things holding us back was me. I was holding this cute little white dog that was very sickly. It was bleeding broken red rubber like strands.

The above may sound like nonsense but as God has shared with me there is meaning to most dreams if I will take the time to listen. The last time I dreamed about a summer cottage was in the early spring of 1997. At that time our family was living in Brooks, AB, a small town several hours drive SE of Calgary. My own interpretation was that our family was going to spend the summer in a holiday resort. Little did I know that God has something else in mind. Instead He sent our family to Calgary where my father, mother and I all became sick with diseases, disorders and sufferings beyond measure. It was not the summer cottage I would recommend to your friends for more then seven years have passed. But now after all these years I once again dream that this long curve in the road is about to end for us and we are almost ready to move on.

As I began to pray about this God began to show me some deep things. As in any interpretation the meaning has to bring together all the elements of the dream. If it doesn't then there is usually something missing.

For me the real stumbling block was the cute little white dog. Whenever I have dreamed of dogs in the past they have always referred to demonic spirits. Usually they are nasty, ugly and have a nasty growl and an even nastier bite. So when I prayed about this I could not accept at first that this little dog referred to an evil spirit. But God began to show and reveal to me that not all spirits appear evil at first glance. Many seem to come across as innocent and even good to the glance. In this case this little dog was a spirit of sickness. Yet if this was the case why was I hanging on to a spirit that I had already conquered in the spirit realm? It seemed like an impossible question.

So God asked me why I was hanging on to it. The little dog didn't have any hold on me but I was holding on to it. He began to show me that I was holding on to it because of guilt. What is really ironic is that I didn't see it. How can my guilt make me hold on to this spirit of sickness?

 Recently I was reading an article on prima-donna's. These are famous movie stars who hire people to do things for them that they are not willing to do for themselves. Things like holding their gum or candy, blowing their noses and so on. It seems ludicrous that we would hire someone to do these things we can easily do for ourselves. But that leads us into a question which God brought up with me. Who is responsible for my healing? Frankly I don't see what the problem is. I do my part and God does His. In fact the more I do the better and easier it is for God...right?

 One of the biggest things that I had refused to release totally to God is the payment for that healing He wanted to give me. I felt like I had to pay part of the price myself. Thus the red strands coming out of the dog reflect the blood of joel. In other words I felt like I had to pay part of the price for the healing God wanted to give me.

But why rubber strands? I think this is one of those questions that seemed impossible to answer. If the red signified blood why were they rubber strands broken? One of the things about rubber bands is that they are made to hold things together. There is unity and wholeness there. A broken strand cannot do this and has no power in it.

My blood has no healing power in it. I am just a man. But don't I play a role in the healing? Mustn't I do something to make that healing happen?

So God asked me this question. "If you are responsible for 10% and I'm responsible for 90% of your healing who will get the glory? What if you are responsible for 15 or 20 or 50%?" And God began to show me that the only way that He could get the full glory for my healing is for me to stop thinking that I had to pay part of the price for my own healing.

Now this is very hard for some people to understand. Shouldn't we take care of ourselves? Shouldn't we go to doctors, take our vitamins, exercise and do what we can to help us feel better? I asked God this and He showed me that these things had their place but this was not what He was referring to. What He was showing me in this dream is that I was holding on to this spiritual sickness because I felt as if I had to pay part of the spiritual price. I was guilty. I could look at my life and remember 100 different sins. Yes I could accept Gods healing but wouldn't it be better, more rightious if I also paid part of the price? If I threw in my 'blood' as part of the equation and purchase price for that healing? Wouldn't this be pleasing to God and contribute to that health I longed for?

God didn't see it that way. In fact He showed me that by believing I could pay part of the price I was submitting to that demonic spirit. And I really struggled with this. Why couldn't/shouldn't I pay some of the price? It seemed so right and just. Why should Christ have to bear the entire cost of my healing?

 Again God said no, I could not pay that price for in doing so I was polluting the truth of Christ, the blood price of Christ. For only He could pay for that healing. Only He could deliver me by His blood and not mine. My blood was filthy, sinful, unable to heal or bring salvation. Worst of all I was taking away from the full glory that He deserved.

For years I've been preached at what a sinner I was. It was so much easier to point the finger at myself and 'remember' all those sins and all my faults. How could I forgive myself when I had failed so many times? And yet this was a delusion which said that my sins must be paid for. So just a little of my blood, a little of my suffering. All I have to do is look at the world and I see this everywhere. People whipping themselves, being crucified, punishing themselves again and again trying to 'pay' that price with a little of their blood.

What is unusual is that God would not let me release this spirit until I fully understood. He showed me that if I threw it away without understanding that I would pick it up again. So for hours He shared the truth of the riches of Christs blood and the fathers Glory and nothing human or demonic can share in it. If I wanted my healing and if I wanted to move on I had to realize this truth. That nothing I do in the natural will bring me this healing I long for. If I want my healing I must get totally out of the way and allow the father to recieve every iota of glory. I know it is a hard truth because our nature is based on self sufficieny and sin.

Christ paid that price. Nothing I can do can add to it but oh how I struggled with this truth. But finally God showed me that I was ready and I released myself into His care and into His hands. No more will I try to pay that price for my healing. No more will I have to shed my blood for that healing. I no longer have to feel guilty for past sins and faults and failures and beat myself up over a past that is covered by His grace and blood.

For in Christ I have freedom and in Christ I have understanding. The price is paid. That bill is covered in full and no more do I need to be a debtor to sickness or disease for by his stripes I have been healed.

The fall season has arrived. The summer cottage is closing down. The curve in the road is moving me to a new destination. A new path, a new door is opening for myself and my family. This is the hope we have in Christ that by Him and through Him all things are made new.

Amen to that!.