January 12, 2007

Walking on water

Joel Akin

 Well, time has slowed down for me. I have been fighting Sin and sin and desire and longing and still find it difficult to see. Sometimes I think God made me to wonder not only who I am but what I am. Most times I'm find but sometimes I'm not. And that is hard to see also because I feel disjointed. Hard to see and hard to tell. Its not as if life failed but I failed to find it. That is in fullness. I went to the battle with God and I fought until I wept my eyes and I still did not find the battle. I fought and suffered but I did not see God. I fought with Him and He and I beat foes and yet I still did not see Him. I went after miles and miles and miles of terrain and searched for anything that might speak of God but all I found was an old leg bone. And even that seemed to be from a cow or maybe a bison. It seemed to be made of stone but who knows. It was carried upon time and it was in Drumheller area in a town called Wayne near a street called Jewel.

 And it was there where I saw Jesus as a highway man but he hid his face slightly as if tipping his hat. I sometimes get this impression that maybe I did meet God in my life and those people I loved will show up at the end. And they will become my family and my friends whom I loved with all my heart.

 But they are like me and they are people who have suffered like me and they are people who have mourned because they lost me. Most think I'm dead and many think I died because I stopped writing and my name vanished and they are afraid or tired of waiting for me to write. And I know if I return it will be because I came back from the dead. Because I survived what sin threw at me and Sin tried to steal from me. I am tired and it isn't from the Battle alone. I am tired because of longing for the word of the Lord. I don't think I can handle much more of the quiet. It just isn't that I know God has never left me or forsaken me. It is just that I wonder about time.

 Did I get carried to a far time either past or present and carry the whole world with God as my help? Did they use some kind of advanced technology to try to separate me from God? Did I fail to do something or say something or think something or just fail to go into something deeply enough. I could explain but I don't because I can't see. There isn't enough time to explain and I don't have enough money or power or authority in all the universe to explain. Its part of what my father or earthly one calls "It's possible but we'll have to wait and see."

 I do let my father know my thoughts and I don't speak vaguely but specifically like Moscow Spiritual was recently destroyed and the new headquarters went to North Korea. Where, I don't know. But Jesus is coming to deal with them. That is specific intel and I don't mind sharing it. Yet it doesn't reach and I do wonder why. I wonder why our dog Marley was meant to be put down because of her huge tumor that suddenly grew over the last month or two. It was as if it appeared one day and grew into something huge and ugly. And we prayed and we prayed and I wondered why. And for whatever reason mom and dad have decided to wait.

 And so this story goes into things I don't know or understand. I go into it by what I call trust. Believing that God will help me and I am not making a total fool of myself in things I write even when they seem sometimes foolish. And I go into it wondering how to get free knowing my truck is being renewed at almost 16 years of age. And knowing I am trusting God for healing of a body that I have grown used to. It is old and hurt and battered and I have a war mind which means I weep pretty much every day. A war mind is one belittled by the enemy who is Sin and Satan and Evil spirits who think they are still in charge. God hasn't shown up they say and so they think I am a fool.

 But they don't know that I am in charge of spiritual things and I have been fighting and I have been putting them down into the abyss. One by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one by one. I am not cursing them but I am finding their home. I am finding where they live and I finding what they were and I finding what they do and I am finding out what they know and I am finding out what they did and I am finding out what they want. And I am doing this so I can hear their story. And someday I will write a short paragraph on them. It might mention their name or their town or their house or their people. But I do it because I care.

 I guess some call me insane and some call me stupid. I have been put in charge of a number that could not be numbered so God had to speed it up first by saying "I didn't know they had such an interesting story. For all of them did. And all of us, every person involved in this story gets to take part of the credit. For we went after them with a fine tooth comb to try and decipher one thing. Where did evil arise? Where did evil begin? Who was responsible? And who did it to whom or whom did it to whom. And I have grown up and I have wept and I have felt sorry for them and for me because I see myself in their story. People we call demon who went bad because they were men and women and even some we would call kids. They all went into a place of sin and they all went bad. And they all went into sin just like you were destined to. For they were the part of Christian people who went bad. And they were part of the universe called earth. And earth became the cesspool. The cess or the part of the story which none think about. For it is part of the ce or the Christian Era which we are part of. For those 'without number' were our age. After all we were part of the story of sin. We became part of sin. And we could not be separated from sin. Even Christian people clung to it with tenacity. Why? Because of a secret God made called the Law. It marked us so we could be separated from others. It carried the mark of one person. Jesus. And it was his law and his pride. He was the Lion of the Tribe of Judah. And we became marked and became tagged by His law. His law was the King of Kings. He became the king that wanted men to have a chance. He wanted a way for their story to be heard. That meant he wanted someone to fight with who would take time to listen. And that was me.

 I wasn't alone. God was there. God likes huge numbers but even He has it difficult because He has to bear it. Those who refuse to part with knowledge. He doesn't like to force anyone but they pay a price and each time they release. And if they don't they are taxed. And they understand tax. They pay in pain or in knowledge. And it has to be true. So if they refuse to participate then they are taxed. And so it is with all of us. We pay a tax and it is impossible for us to pay since we don't know much. But these are the spirits God holds who are the worst. They are not like anyone we can conceive. Earth had its evil but they were tame compared to these. That sounds difficult to believe and we think of Hitler or Saddam but they had it out in the open. These spirits had it inside and they were able to destroy what God had made. And that isn't easy to do.

 So they were taken to time and made to pay. And God built a coast and made it of sand. And each time they fail they have to pay in taking one grain and trying to build up a mountain. And they can't move. If they succeed and some try and almost succeed at least in their minds then they are given a day of rest. For building up a mountain with a grain isn't easy. It is like trying to build a road through the wilderness by faith. It becomes part of the gift of writing for it becomes part of the gift of see and gift of hope and gift of life. For these are the things I gain.

 Yet those spirits that fight God do so with evil intent. They gain knowledge and gain insight into God because of the way He fights and it was dangerous for Him to fight. They used it against Him in battle. So He took me and trained me in a true measure of faith and hope and life and let me fight it out with Sin. And so I fight for my life and my dream of garage sales and collecting books and God helping me so I can sell things and there will always be garage sales even if cars cease to exist.

 And maybe its a foolish dream but I pray for silly things because garage sales have blessed me with more then I can say. I have supplied all my needs of this world on a $1000 a month and have striven to find a way to buy a home. It seems impossible because of being on AISH or Assured Income for the Severely Handicapped.

Yet God is going to take AISH and make it the head and not the broken foot. It is going to become the government of the land. And if people of AISH use wisdom they will put to work those who had the least among them. And that wasn't me but those who were homeless. Those who were mistreated and broken and shattered with prejudice so that no one believed them. For they were the people who were taken by police and left in the outskirts because they could not hold a job or hold their life or hold their dream. Sometimes, as men will discover, it is because they can't. No matter how hard they try everything they dream will fall away because of one thing; Sin.

 And Sin is the spirit that was and is with men and is the one thing Christians speak of with little knowledge. So God gave me an opportunity to learn with Him on what Sin is. I often speak with hesitation because I think my ideas are different but not necessarily new. And they are new to some but God wants me to know that it isn't about Sin its about AISH.

 That is how easily Sin besets me.

 AISH is the dream I had which turned into a nightmare. I was driven from my home and had my life turned upside down. Those who had things they had created from something called Dreams seemed like a vault out of hell. I couldn't understand how people who wanted to create a center for dreams could work with the law to make people there prisoners. They were part of a gulag and it wasn't relaxed in any way. People were subject to searches both of their possession and of their body. And if that isn't intrusive what is? It was meant to be a settlement based on Christian principles but the law of Canada has become the most oppressive regime since Germany. And it is becoming more like Germany then any country in history.

 Not only that but we are becoming so socialist in our thinking that if we are sick we are part of an order which requires us to think we have to go to the hospital. Socialism is part of the history of people and people want to be cared for. It is a problem that 90% of those who go to the doctor could deal with the issues by prayer or even at worst by knowing when they are sick and really sick. I don't want to become a person that is on AISH. I wasn't forced into it but I went into it because my body began to break down. I have perhaps half a dozen serious ailments and some of them would have gotten me put on disability. I could have chosen it and gotten a Disable sticker and maybe a disabled van. One counselor I went to see suggested it. And in a way I'm glad I saw her because I tried the things she suggested and realized my disabilities would make those aids a living hell. Some people who suggest help people and some hinder them.

 So I would suggest options for people to try if they are still on disability. Let people try things out and give them options. Its not meant to be a lottery but I would rather provide them with some money then leave them as the dregs of our land. For dregs are meant to be like dredges which drag across the land to bring up the sludge and debris from land which turns into fills. And we have made people of AISH the worst of the worst until some use their income for things they shouldn't. And that means it is barely enough to support a habit and even then they have nothing left.

AISH is part of the story which God wants control of. AISH is a word the Shiur of Rabbi Shlomo Sternberg on Mesechta Shabbos calls: a material heated to incandescence (i.e. one that emits light due to its high temperature).

Fire is meant to temper but the temper of Sin is such that he doesn't temper he distempers. And that means he goes out to destroy a man. And if God allows tempering then sin, the small sin, is the part which destroys. So men are then cast into hell because of sin. Now if sin were real and it is then why would God create it to destroy what He desires to make? The answer is God doesn't destroy and doesn't kill but sin does. And that means that sin is not of God nor does God give them authority. They take it and they use it and since men do not fight it they build up an empire. And since men let sin control them and enjoy it they then go out and seek the least of men to hurt.

 That is why God will put those who were least, such as those who are on AISH, into positions of power. Now some cannot be trusted. Some are meant to be at the lowest totem. But some are not only trusting they are trustees of the keys of the kingdom which Jesus is bringing. For men understand suffering but few understand it as much as the disabled. And those who are disabled know they are prejudiced against by those who think they are fine.

 Father. I am on AISH. but to say that is like Jewish for I am on fire. I am screaming for help. Weeping for help. Praying for help. People pass me by and judge me by my color or my passion. They say that I am nothing. They are tired of hearing cries from people who suffer. They cry out day and night from hell. I am in Hell and I am on fire but I have no man and no woman to support me. I cry out for help but God what do I do? How do I speak of overcoming when I am on fire? How can I say that I am a fire to anyone or a flame to anyone or a person that can help anyone. I do not feel inspiring or conspiring. I do not see myself as worth or worth help and yet I cry out nevertheless hoping that you will hear me and help me speak.